Mi-chemin

Just a few ramblings as I procrastinate on all the crap I need to take care of before tomorrow.

As I approach the halfway point of my séjour in Martinique, I'd like to take a petit moment to reflect on a few things.

In certain ways I think I've changed a lot. Here in Martinique, you simply can't be uptight and stressed out -- you wouldn't last a day. You have to accept that things never happen on time, that things get done slowly (for example, it's been three months and none of the assistants have had the mandatory doctor visit to validate our visas), and that social events and even chance encounters in the street can last an eternity because people schmooze and chat and take forever to say goodbye. You just have to go with the flow. In a lot of ways, I think it's been really good for me. The slower pace is a welcome break from the meat cleaver, if you will.

In some ways, though, I haven't changed at all. Being here has, I think, forced me to face some of my worst character flaws -- namely, being timid and unsure of myself. I suppose to some degree a bit of struggle is only to be expected when living in a foreign country; everything is just harder when you can't express yourself in your own language, and when the culture around you is unfamiliar. Small difficulties you might have had in the States somehow become magnified by a thousand.

But still. After months of surfing sessions, for example, I'm still craintive, hesitant, and helpless, worried about messing up in front of all the expert French surfers and tourists. On Wednesday, Pascal worked the whole morning just with me, and when he helps me, I have no problems. See? he said to me as I took wave after wave. You know how to do it. Tu sais le faire. Mais il faut que tu aies plus confiance en toi. You have to have more confidence in yourself.

I didn't know what to say to that -- in English or in French.

Last night at capoeira class, we had a practice jeu in partners. Again, I found myself paralyzed, clumsy and unsure of what to do.

"Joue! Joue!" my partner kept telling me. "Tu réfléchis trop." You're thinking too much.

Again, how could I respond? For as laid-back and carefree as I've become here, I'm still having trouble, it seems, relaxing and letting my inhibitions go. In some ways, I feel just as shy and awkward as a middle schooler.

I'm leaving tomorrow for New York for another interview. I'm missing four days of work. But next week is apparently the French equivalent of STAR testing -- alors, in the words of one of my colleagues, ça tombe bien.

It's currently 82 degrees here in Martinique. It's 32 in New York -- exactly 50 degrees difference. And also, exactly freezing. J'ai peur. But I promise more updates soon! And (as I've already been asked to do by several people) I'll be sure to say hi to America for you all!